


Symposium

by anactoriatalksback



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Gilfoyle's present but also in a fun way, Jared's past but in a fun way, M/M, No Jared a threesome is NOT a management tool, Pedantry, RIchard has NO chill, So much pedantry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:05:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anactoriatalksback/pseuds/anactoriatalksback
Summary: Gilfoyle asks Jared if he's had a threesome.Richard's just, you know, whatever man.





	Symposium

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this story on tumblr in response to the following lovely prompt:
> 
> Jared is asked - by Gilfoyle maybe, as a this-could-be-a-joke-or-it-could-not-be kind of thing - whether he has ever been in a threesome. Also Richard is standing right there. What happens next?

‘So Jared, ever been in a threesome?’

Richard chokes on his Old Pappy. Gilfoyle is still looking at Jared through his giant fucking glasses, but somehow manages to look disdainfully at Richard for a nanosecond.

Jared is blushing. Which...could mean that:

  1. he is overcome with, like, virginal mortification at the question
  2. he has had a threesome
  3. he hasn’t but really doesn’t think this is appropriate workplace conversation
  4. he has had a threesome but doesn’t really think this is appropriate workplace conversation



Jared says ‘Gilfoyle, I think if we turn our attention to the SCRUM board...’

‘Fuck the SCRUM board, I’m done with my tasks, I’m just waiting for Dinesh’s neurons to stop typing a telegram to each other with one finger so he can finish with the JAVA functionality I need.’

‘Fuck you, man, I just need to make sure that your bitch-ass security protocols can handle my code.’

‘Dinesh, my protocols  _can’t_  handle your code, because they are used to competently-written programmes, not ten-thumbed frankenchickens that shit the bed if you look at them sideways.’

 

‘Jesus  _fuck_ , you two’, says Richard. He is beside himself. ‘You just - Gilfoyle, if you don’t want an answer to your question, why did you even - ’

Gilfoyle looks at Richard, and then looks at Dinesh. Jared says hurriedly ‘Oh, I don’t mind if we - ’

‘No, no’, says GIlfoyle, ‘Richard’s right, Jared. Have you ever been in a threesome?’

‘We need you to answer’, says Dinesh.

‘You  _have_  to answer’, says GIlfoyle.

‘I don’t see why that’s necessary - ‘

‘Otherwise Dinesh won’t be able to concentrate on his code’, says Gilfoyle.

‘Yeah’, says Dinesh.

‘The mystery’ll keep Dinesh up all night’, says Gilfoyle.

‘Yep’, says Dinesh. ‘Has Jared had a threesome or hasn’t he? It’s Schrodinger’s Threesome.’

‘Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle.’

‘WhoDunnIt.’

‘What?’

‘You know? Like ‘whodunit’, with mysteries, but ‘Dunn’ like Jared Dunn?’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, that probably works better written down.’

‘ _Enough_ ’, hisses Richard. He clears his throat. ‘Jared - look, I mean, I don’t - y’know, whatever? But like - so these clowns can - get on with - ?’

‘Oh, you know what?’, says Dinesh. ‘I think I’ve broken through with my code. I think I’m okay, Jared.’

‘Oh, then we can - ‘

‘ _Haveyouhadathreesome_ Jared?’

It takes a moment for Richard to realise that the voice was his.

There’s a silence. Jared is staring at Richard with wide eyes.

‘R-Richard?’

Richard gulps. Gilfoyle, that evil fuck, having put Richard in this position, has leisurely turned back to his computer with an air of complete indifference. ‘You drones work this shit out’, his back is radiating ‘and let me know when you’re ready to have a conversation about Nietzche.’

Dinesh is looking brightly at Jared. Thank God there’s someone else.

Not that he’s saying anything.

Not that _anyone’s_ saying anything.

Least of all Jared.

Fuck it. Since Richard’s going to die of embarrassment anyway, might as well just get what he came for, right?

He coughs. ‘So….with the three did you it, Jared?’

There’s another silence.

Fantastic. Apparently his weird creepy overinvestment in Jared’s sex life has turned him into Garbage Yoda.

Dinesh is giving him a pitying look, and Jared is frowning as he disentangles the sentence.

Richard’s contemplating whether to try again, or to just throw himself into traffic now, when Jared says ‘Well, yes. But I really don’t see how - ’

Oh but it’s too late now. Dinesh’s eyes are rounder than Richard’s ever seen, and even Gilfoyle’s turned around with majestic deliberateness.

All of this Richard observes in his periphery. He himself has leaned in at a 45-degree angle, and he’s staring so hard at Jared he thinks he’ll probably raise welts on his skin. ‘With. Whom?’

Jared’s blushing now. ‘Oh, really, I’ve said all I care to, Richard.’

‘You haven’t said all I care to’, says – shouts? – Richard. ‘Care to hear. I mean. With whom, Jared? Women?’ He swallows. ‘Men?’

Jared says ‘Yes?’

There’s a silence.

‘….What?’

‘ _Oh_ ’, says Dinesh.

‘I didn’t really want to – since we’re too small to really need to – but as we grow perhaps it would be nice to look into LGBTQ recruitment events, I’ve been meaning to - ’

Richard cannot speak. He literally cannot speak.

Dinesh doesn’t seem to have that problem.

‘Threesomes? _Multiple_ threesomes?’

‘Dinesh, really, this isn’t – this was at college, doesn’t everyone - ’

‘ _I_ didn’t’, say Dinesh and Richard at the same time.

‘Shocker’, mutters Gilfoyle.

Dinesh turns on him. ‘Oh, like you’ve had shit-tons of threesomes, Bieber.’

‘I haven’t’, says Gilfoyle. ‘It’s two or an orgy. Two for the moments that my bourgeois self needs placating, and an orgy for the _fais ce que tu voudras_ times.’

‘…What…?’

‘Do what thou wilt’, supply Gilfoyle and Jared at the same time. Jared explains further ‘It’s the motto of the Hellfire Club.’

‘….Okay’, says Richard. ‘…Thank you, Jared.’

‘My pleasure’, says Jared, bobbing his head.

Gilfoyle goes on ‘Three is a nothing number, beloved only of Cabbalist simpletons and Judeo-Christians. It offers neither the hollow facsimile of human intimacy of two, nor the impassioned liberty of a Bacchanal. Three is nothing but a sedated straining for a wretched imitation of liberty. Three is a Chick-Fil-A approximation of freedom.’

‘Oh, Gilfoyle’, says Jared, ‘oh, that makes me so sad. No, a threesome can be – can be _wonderful_.’

It’s said ecstatically, with a soft reminiscent smile curving Jared’s lips. He seems like he’s cherishing the memory.

There’s a singing in Richard’s ears. He can barely hear Jared as he says ‘You can find out so much about yourself, about what you need, what you can give, how you negotiate, how you draw boundaries, how you communicate verbally and non-verbally, how you work in teams, it’s honestly - ’ he giggles, ‘oh, I’d recommend as a management tool if I could get the logistics to work.’

Dinesh’s eyes are almost popping out of their skull. ‘With – with _us_?’

Richard’s head snaps to Jared, who hasn’t – said no. Gilfoyle is taking another sip of his Old Pappy.

Richard swallows. Opens his mouth. Finds he can’t speak. Swallows again. Tries again. ‘NO.’

‘Oh, of course not’, says Jared, but Richard could _swear_ he looks a little disappointed, ‘and of course, as I say, the logistics would never work unless we ask Jian Yang and Monica, and then of course I’d be concerned about the etiquette of inviting Laurie, and - ’

‘NO’, says Richard again, and he’s certain he shouts this time.

‘No’, says Jared, ‘of course not, and really I don’t think we need any lessons there. Now - ’ he coughs, ‘Dinesh, you said you had a breakthrough with your code. Could we have an ETA on your deliverable?’

Richard has a bad night.

His head is swimming with Technicolor images of Jared writhing in bed with Laurie and Jian Yang and then he’s elbowing them both out of the bed and Laurie is in a corner asking why he calls his bed a bunk bed when there is only one impractically high bunk and also Dinesh and Gilfoyle are in a corner having a slap-fight that _very quickly_ becomes not a slap-fight and also now Monica and Jared are wearing the same beige cable-knit sweater and Richard means the same one like they are literally both now somehow stuffed into one giant beige sweater with their arms twined around each other and then Jared turns his head to Richard and one long pale arm snakes out and pulls Richard to him, one large hand walks his slender fingers down Richard’s back, one long leg slides between Richard’s thighs, that soft voice whispers ‘Let’s play a game, Richard….’

Richard jolts awake, gasping.

He covers his face, groaning.

Fucking _Gilfoyle_.

He staggers into the kitchen, and of course because this is his goddamn life, Jared’s there busying himself clearing away his tea.

‘Good morning, Richard.’

Richard starts. He’s – he’s going to have difficulty making eye-contact with anyone today. Possibly ever. For, like, the rest of his life.

But especially Jared.

Whose fingers are wrapped around his tea-mug, and who is looking with gentle concern at Richard.

Long fingers.

Blue eyes.

So blue.

So very very blue.

Fuck.

 _Fuck_.

‘Richard?’, says Jared. ‘Is everything okay?’

Richard shakes his head. ‘No! I mean yeah. Everything. Everything’s. Fine. Just. Busy. You know?’

Jared frowns. ‘Is there a problem with the platform – I thought we were on track for – ‘

‘Yeah, no, yeah, we totally- totally are, just, you know, the usual, with the VCs, with round threesome coming up - ’

Oh. Oh, _shhhiiiiit_.

Jared’s eyes widen and Richard lurches into speech, hoping that sheer verbal density will make this go away, ‘you know, multiples, dicks - _decks_ , growth rates, projections, you know, just, if you could check the projection, like twenty-threesome percent - ’

 _Fuck_. Richard’s just gabbling now, and that has gone well for him zero times in his life like ever, but what the hell, here goes, ‘And I was thinking there was a version of the deck that worked better on slide threesome, I – ’

At which point Richard’s appalled brain makes an executive decision and cuts off his oxygen. Richard slumps into a seat, staring in terror at Jared.

Who is looking more and more concerned.

In the seeming eternity before Jared speaks, Richard wonders with almost detached curiosity what he’s going to ask about. Richard’s creepy curiosity about his sex-life? His inability to let it go? His related inability to function like any sort of adult human being in the presence of sex and Jared and Jared having sex? All three?

So it’s almost a relief when Jared says ‘Richard, did you think it was inappropriate for me to have shared my thoughts about threesomes?’

And of course Jared’s going to find a way to make it his fault. Of _course_ he is.

Richard sighs. ‘…No, Jared. It’s…Gilfoyle asked, and…then… _I_ asked.’

‘Yes’, says Jared. ‘Richard, why _did_ you ask?’

And it’s a fair question – and asked so much more gently than Richard deserves – but what the fuck can he even say?

My brain short-circuits whenever you bring home a woman, or whenever you’re fucking… _around_ a woman, or anyone really, and I need you with me even when I don’t, y’know, _actually need you with me_ , and you have the bluest eyes and the biggest hands and the softest voice and your hair smells really nice which I know from those times you’ve hugged me and I don’t know what to do with that information anyway and now you’ve fucked guys which is one thing and then also threesomes and I couldn’t handle any _one_ of those things on a good day but like all of them all at once?

And then Jared’s reached forward – timidly, afraid of being rebuffed – to touch Richard’s shoulder.

‘Richard, you don’t have to - ’

And what Richard doesn’t have to do, Richard doesn’t know, but he’s lunged forward and only caught the corner of Jared’s mouth, but then Jared lets out an ‘Oh’ and plunges his fingers into Richard’s hair so that he can slot their mouths together, and Jared tastes of honey and tea that he will later tell Richard is Rooibos and Jared’s mouth is a wonder and his hands are firm but soft and his hair is like _silk_ and it still smells so fucking nice and his ass makes just – such a satisfying handful.

When they pull apart, Jared can’t stop smiling. Richard touches his own face and – yeah, yeah, he’s grinning like a loon too. Also either he’s crying or Jared is.

Jared reaches out with a trembling hand, brushing Richard’s curls behind his ear. Richard closes his eyes. ‘You know’, Jared says, ‘Plato says that humans originally had four arms, four legs and a single head. The gods wanted to punish the humans and split them in twain, leaving the humans to wander the earth in anguish looking for their other halves. Only in the act of love can they find unity.’

Richard swallows. Reaches for Jared. Buries his face in his sweater. Squirms closer, breathing in great lungfuls of his friend. Finally lifts his head to say ‘Actually, that was Aristophanes.’

Jared’s smile, if possible, widens even more. ‘In Plato’s  _Symposium_ , Richard.’

And Richard’s never liked being corrected before, but apparently Jared’s the exception.


End file.
